How to make garlic parmesan chicken wings
I swear, there’s a real recipe in here somewhere.
4 kilos chicken wings (or less, if you want to listen to Jill’s cook)
flour for dredging
1 cup salted butter
8 cloves of garlic, crushed
1. Realize that Jill’s spicy pasta and Mexican corn aren’t enough. Your dinner party menu needs chicken.
2. Briefly consider making your soy garlic chicken wings but drop the idea because admit it, you have done soy garlic chicken to death.
3. Think about making buffalo wings and then roll your eyes at your stupidity. The pasta is spicy, the corn is spicy, what are you trying to do – set someone’s mouth on fire? (And if that’s the plan, target Giff.)
4. Let the lightbulb hit you. Garlic parmesan wings! Delicious! And not spicy! Yes!
5. Google “garlic parmesan wings recipe.”
6. Look at photos of garlic parmesan wings and try – and fail – to decide which plate of wings looks the most delicious.
7. Google “best garlic parmesan wings recipe.”
8. Google “perfect garlic parmesan wings recipe.”
9. Google “garlic parmesan wings recipe so good your guests will want to dry hump them.”
10. Stop googling.
11. Watch old episodes of Dateline and 48 Hours on YouTube for hours.
12. Stop watching when you realize that you still haven’t found a recipe for garlic parmesan wings.
13. Google “best garlic parmesan wings recipe” again.
14. Read about twenty different recipes and find yourself completely confused, like the Bachelorette on the first episode of, uh, The Bachelorette.
15. And, just like the Bachelorette, think, “They all look meaty. And delicious. How will I choose?”
16. Say to yourself, hopefully unlike the Bachelorette: “Screw choosing. I will use all the recipes at the same time.”
17. Use your phone to grab screenshots of the ingredients list of all the different recipes.
18. Go to the supermarket.
19. Ignore your ingredients list and head to the chocolates section first.
20. Go to the dairy section and look for a block of parmesan cheese because you want to grate your own.
21. Be left disappointed by the measly cheese choices and walk to the pasta section to grab a can of powder masquerading as parmesan.
22. Return to the dairy section for one more attempt at finding decent parmesan. Find real grated parmesan hiding in a black box. And it comes with a free pot holder! Score!
23. Resist the urge to pump your fist in the air.
24. Grab three blocks of salted butter.
25. Head to the produce section and grab a bag of garlic.
26. Stand in front of the spice racks and scroll through your many screenshots. Feel a little overwhelmed. Make the quick decision to just get all the spices listed in all the recipes and figure out which ones to use later.
27. Grab dried basil, Italian seasoning, onion salt, onion powder, garlic granules.
28. Scan the shelf for garlic salt and find nothing. Wonder: if you can’t buy garlic salt, can you just use garlic granules and salt?
29. Look at all the spices in your cart and convince yourself that even if you don’t get to use all of them, you’ll find a way to use them later.
30. Ask Jill how much chicken you should buy.
31. Wait as she calls their cook and listen as the cook recommends that you get 2 kilos of chicken.
32. Go to the poultry guy and ask for 4 kilos of wings, just to be sure. You don’t want to run out of chicken wings – it has happened to you once before and it wasn’t pretty.
33. Ask them to chop the wings between the flat and the drumette.
34. Pay for your purchases.
35. Leave the supermarket.
36. Paint your nails.
37. Seriously, paint your nails. You can’t have horribly chipped nails when you’re co-hosting a dinner.
38. Go to the kitchen and ignore the chicken.
39. Make hot fudge.
40. While you’re making hot fudge, find someone who will peel and crush the garlic cloves for you.
41. Spend so much time working on the hot fudge that by the time you finish, it’s almost dinner time.
42. Season the raw chicken with salt, pepper and Italian seasoning. Really rub those flavors in, like you are giving the wings a creepy, pervy massage.
43. Deep fry the chicken. If you are lucky, find someone to deep fry them for you.
44. Panic when the first guest arrives and the food isn’t ready yet.
45. Chit-chat as the chicken wings are frying and Jill is serving her pasta and the angels are grilling the corn.
46. Panic again when you realize that they are all waiting for the chicken.
47. Panic even more when you realize you need to throw the sauce together now and you have no time to consult your twenty recipes.
48. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that if you can ace your El Filibusterismo exam in high school without ever reading it, you can throw together a garlic parmesan sauce without rereading a recipe.
49. Melt a few spoonfuls of butter.
50. Add the crushed garlic and sauté it.
51. Just before it turns brown, add the rest of the butter.
52. When the butter is completely melted, add the parmesan. Start with the powder.
53. If you bought enough real grated parmesan, add some of it to the butter mixture too. If not, don’t. You will need it later.
54. Add the spices liberally. Onion salt, onion powder, garlic granules, Italian seasoning, salt, pepper – throw them in.
55. Try not to look surprised when your butter mixture actually starts looking like garlic parmesan sauce.
56. Grab one of the freshly fried wings, put it on a plate and drizzle it with your sauce.
57. Take a bite and chew.
58. Resist the urge to shout “Holy shit, it really tastes like garlic parmesan wings!”
59. Make Jill take a bite and pretend to be nonchalant when she says, “Sarap!”
60. Grab a sturdy tupperware, put a few wings in, drizzle the wings with sauce, close the tupperware and shake it until the wings are coated with sauce.
61. Open the tupperware, add some grated parmesan, close and shake.
63. Repeat steps 60 to 62 until your guests are too full to eat another wing.
64. The next day, realize that you still have about a kilo of wings left and that you will need to make more sauce.
65. Repeat steps 49 to 62.