Pajammy Party

Pillow fights, secrets, s'mores and scary stories. Sleeping bag not required.

Soon, people will refer to me as “The Crazy Girl Who Can’t Stop Talking About Her Old House”

Found this on my old blog. This was written and posted in 2003.

I know things have gotten really tough for me when I feel the urge to walk to my living room and stare out the window in the middle of the night.

And when this happens, I’d just stand there, looking out. There really isn’t much to see. Old houses, distant buildings, the occasional truck or car passing by. But it does so much for me.

When I feel that I’ve calmed down, I begin my walk back to my room, usually on bare feet. On my way there, I run my hands across the wooden walls. I use my fingers to trace the pillars I used to play with as a child. I drink in the soft lights that make our living room glow. I move the artworks aside and feel the imprints my great-uncle left on the wall when he used to measure me and my brother regularly to check how much we were growing. This house holds so many secrets, so many memories. All these things make our house beautiful, this house that my grandfather had built for us.

Maybe it’s not looking out the window that helps. Maybe knowing that I’m inside does.

Funny how rereading it made me feel as if I was inside my old house again. But I’m not. And I will never be.

I was inside it. Now it’s inside me.


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2 thoughts on “Soon, people will refer to me as “The Crazy Girl Who Can’t Stop Talking About Her Old House”

  1. johnnydu on said:

    growing up in one place – a place where memories were spontaneously created, the feeling of security was established and the sense of living is associated with – and moving out of it is never easy.

    two years ago, i left the house i lived in for 24 years. when you live somewhere that long, that place becomes part of you.

    but it doesnt take 24 years to know youre home. being in a place where its easy to leave your heart can be home. the stories of your travels gave me an idea of that, but when i did the travelling myself did i truly understand – you’ll know damn well you’re home just by being there, and if you love the place where you are truly, it just stays with you.

    • pajammy on said:

      thank you.

      you’re right.. and my home will always stay with me.

      letting go of that house is one of the most difficult things i’ve ever had to do. and the saddest part was i didn’t have a choice.

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