Motherfucking jogging and death by jump rope

After months of staying away from that blasted oval, Jill and I went to the sports complex to jog.

I wasn’t exactly prepared. I had to borrow socks. And when Jill saw me wearing my Pink Panther pajama shorts with my sweatband, she said, “Seriously? You’re wearing that?”

And that’s how I ended up wearing my new gray Cotton On leggings instead. I am pretty sure those leggings anticipated a lot of fun times with me – maybe drunken nights out with my pink Doc Martens, a trip or two abroad – but what did they get? An hour of witnessing just how out of shape I really am.
Not fun at all.

I did half-hearted stretches (I loathe stretching) before beginning to walk around the oval. I walked twice around the oval before beginning to jog. Strangely, the song that propelled me forward and made me start running wasn’t by Lady Gaga or No Doubt. It was Be My Baby. Yes, the 1963 hit by the Ronettes. I am such a grandma.

And today’s attempt at jogging proved just how big a grandma I am. I couldn’t even make it around the oval. I was breathless. So I started walking again. Then I started jogging again. And soon, I was breathless again. So I switched to walking. Then I stopped.

I said, screw jogging, screw walking, I’m going to jump rope. But the jump rope I bought was crappy – when I took it out of the box, it refused to completely unfurl. It looked almost like an ancient telephone cord. I still tried anyway but couldn’t manage to go beyond thirty consecutive jumps because the darn rope kept getting caught on my shoe. I tried about five to six more times but stopped. I need to buy a new jump rope.

It was good that I stopped because at that point, my chest was pounding so hard I thought I was going to die.

Jill looked like she had a great workout, she was all sweaty and red-faced while I was having a near death experience.

We walked back to the car. My chest was still pounding, my knees were jelly and I felt like collapsing.

But I did not collapse. And I did not die.

So I celebrated this new lease on life by eating mangoes. A lot of mangoes.